What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 15:11
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
What’s the best local food you’ve ever tried while traveling?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
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I don,t even have a pension.
She loved him until the end.
Im still living with it.
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Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I was 9 years of age.
Consectetur assumenda in molestiae debitis accusamus quaerat consectetur.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I know ,a lot about trauma.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
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Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Why are FtM trans just another type of woman?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
We were not on the streets..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I couldn’t, believe it.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Who then, do I blame.?
Put me off passion for life!!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He knew the spot.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Ive learnt so much.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She found it foreign!.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He resisted the act ,that day.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
As i do to all so called friends.?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She wouldn,t have been !
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I have no regrets .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And i lived it daily.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But it wasn’t much.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I was very sick at this time too.
I could never make a relationship work though!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
One cannot live in the past .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
So whats the point in blame.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I think the readers, may guess!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She married twice! .
We all went to grammer schools
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
So, i spoilt her more .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Why did i forgive my father ?
I said to her
I was seconnd youngest,
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
This is soul school!.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Comes on , in middle age.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Would this be the day?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I was scared of men, in general
What did i know ?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
All the time i was locked up.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
It was going to be , some day.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She was in good health!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I write beautiful poetry .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
My life is so biszare .
When she asked me how she looked .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I never cut or harmed myself..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I will be 64.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I waited trembling.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But, we were locked up after school.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My family never makes their pension either.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)